I QUIT SMOKING FOR THIS? Skimming the online edition of the Los Angeles Times, I clicked on the headline, "State's Air Is Among the Nation's Worst". According to an EPA report, "Californians are breathing some of the most toxic air in the nation, with residents of Los Angeles and Orange counties exposed to a cancer risk about twice the national average." My first thought was, "Whew, I glad I got the heck out of there." Which was soon followed by a haughty, derisive, "Hah, you silly, smoothie-slurping, tracksuit-wearing, image-worshipping, smoking-in-bars-banning exercise freaks! Your precious SUVs spell your doom." Of course, the third paragraph of the article reads, "New York tops the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency's list" for highest chance of contracting cancer from breathing the air. Curses, foiled again.

THERE'S SOMETHING FISHY GOING ON AT AMAZON.COM and it has to do with the new Iron Maiden concert DVD. Even though I agree with the reviewers who are critical of Steve Harris' atrocious, hyperactive editing, I can't help but be suspicious of the six most recent one-star reviews (dated March 7–8). Or is it perfectly normal for users named Pitchulo Dun Dun, Poverty "Tungan", Kael, Gergellor, Patherson and Carmarthen — who apparently live in places called Filha de Uma Puta, Puta Que O Pariu, Jugland, Supimpalândia and Zunder — to post nearly the exact same review in two days? Even more bizarre, five of the six use the word "edition" when they mean to say "editing". I can't even begin to form a theory, unless some nutso metalhead actually has six different Amazon.com identities and felt compelled to post a negative review under each. But that's just crazy.

THE NEW YORK TIMES SPREADS FEAR AND DESPAIR with this wonderful oddity of an article about "iconic crimes" in today's metro section. I don't know whether they publish this sort of thing to give publicity to the writer's new book or to drive down housing prices, but it's still fun to read this doozy of a closing thought over tea on a lazy Sunday afternoon:

The crimes that become iconic etch themselves into the collective consciousness because they suggest a frightening truth: that the universe does not rely on cause and effect. If that is true, there's no possibility of control, and that thought opens an abyss of despair. People speak of "senseless" killings, but every crime makes sense to the criminal who commits it. Iconic crimes are those that are senseless to the victims, and to the public. They are a reminder that there is no way to guarantee safety. If a police officer mistakes you for someone else, you can be shot 19 times. If you go for a jog, you can be raped, beaten and left for dead. If you send your child to school, he may never come back.

And if you linger over a drink after closing time, your battered, empty body can turn up in a desolate place, under a lone streetlight, far away.

Just the thing to get you fired up for another Monday morning.